Malfunction

I would like to say that people see me as a fairly upbeat optimistic person. I think the truth is, I just don't have the chip to process negative things. When something bad happens, my first instincts are to think of all the good things that may have come out of it. If your car doesn't start in the parking lot of your work, you think... well at least i'm safe at work and not on the freeway or in a dark alley in a bad part of town. If you get laid off from work, you think... well here's my chance to look at your life and force yourself to start fresh. If you get in a major car accident (and survive), you think that you've been given a second chance in life and to be that much more careful from that point on.

I have a dear family member in her last days of life, and there's nothing optimistic or positive I can say or do and I feel like a robot malfunctioning. Is it right for me to feel denial that what's happening is happening? People go through this every minute of everyday. It's hard to fathom that much pain in the world. And all I have to deal with is one, and I feel like I can't handle even that. I feel empty - like i am not feeling enough sadness ... but then I feel physical aching and feel like my brow is just going to dig itself into my head and turn my head inside out.

I have the chance to get on a plane at any moment and fly 15 hours to see her... she's fading and the doctors warn that she's getting exponentially worse. My grandpa passed away the same day I got on the plane to go visit... what if the same happened for grandma? Would she want me to visit her, or rather not be last seen in her ailing state? Am I just making excuses because I can't deal with what's really happening? I don't have time to sit and think about what to do... but I don't know what to do and the only person who should decide what to do is me.